you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
That reminds me...we need to get swords
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
