Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
