Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
