Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
