So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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