White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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