Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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