Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
