i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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