Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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