i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
All the doctor said was why
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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