And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
