It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There's always time for handjobs
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
