so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
