Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
