k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
