so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
