Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
