Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
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mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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