i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
