You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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