the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
