So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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