Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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