Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
