How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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