I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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