I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
