I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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