Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think my vagina is haunted
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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