If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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