i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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