why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
