I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
