I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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