I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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