I think I am morally bankrupt
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dick very happy bro
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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