her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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