You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
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While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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