I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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