thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
