i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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