remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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