dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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