I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
