my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
where are my eyebrows?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
