I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
