you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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