I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
