Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
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Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.