Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
