For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
