im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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