Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
