Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
